Drivetrain: 190-hp, 2.3-liter four-cylinder with four-speed manual transmission; rear-wheel drive
Notable Features: Racing stripes, spoiler, delusions of personality
We don’t doubt a 1,834-pound car with a 190-hp racing motor would be quick — it has a better power-to-weight ratio than a Maserati Spyder. But paired with Lindsay Lohan and her kid-friendly cohorts, Herbie doesn’t compare to his original “Love Bug” self. Or maybe we’re just too old.
Drivetrain: 114-hp, 4.9-liter six-cylinder with three-speed automatic transmission; rear-wheel drive
Notable Features: Nose, ears, tongue and other canine appendages
Lloyd calls it the shaggin’ wagon, but we doubt there’s much of that going on in Harry Dunne’s Mutt Cuts van. Worse yet, it isn’t properly equipped for the job: With Harry’s driving, unrestrained pooches lose their perm in no time.
Eagle 5 reaches hyperactive speed and accommodates four occupants — not to mention a tool rack, fire hydrant and giant hair dryer — but its poor gas mileage and limited power means it won’t outrun Spaceball One, which can hit ludicrous speed. Sorry, Lone Starr: The Schwartz is not with you.
Uncle Rico’s orange Tradesman is the go for his gig, peddling Tupperware and, um, herbal enhancements door-to-door. Grapefruit resistance notwithstanding, the van is about as cheesetastic as Rico’s frigate models.
Drivetrain: 200-hp, 5.0-liter V-8 with four-speed automatic transmission; rear-wheel drive
Notable Features: Wood siding, hood-routed gas intake, driver-side airbag
It’s metallic pea, not Antarctic blue. There’s no rallye fun package, either. Rather, the Griswolds’ Wagon Queen Family Truckster is every family’s worst vacation memory. As the salesman said, “You think you hate it now, but wait till you drive it.”
