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I’D LISTENED to Paul Simon’s “Graceland” too many times, whichis why I went looking for Fat Charlie the Archangel.

Fat Charlie is Simon’s hapless mystical dude who “had no opinionabout this . . . no opinion about that.” I figured I had something thatcould help Charlie make up his mind — the Porsche 911 Carrera Cabrioletwith the Tiptronic S transmission.

The Tiptronic S gearbox puts fun into decision-making. It allowsdrivers to choose a fully automatic or manual driving mode, depending ontheir mood.

Let’s deal with the manual system first. To shift, you can use afloor-mounted stick or you can use a pair of toggle switches on thesteering wheel.

To use the stick, push it to the right side of the gearbox andshift up or down. To use the steering-wheel option, toggle either switchup for a higher gear or down for a lower gear. Right-handed drivers usethe right switch, left-handed use the left switch.

Both options for manual operation are electronically controlled, sothere is no need for a clutch pedal. Fat Charlie wouldn’t even have tomove his left leg.

Compared with the automatic mode, the manual versions give youmuch more control over engine speed.

The automatic mode works like the automatic transmission in anycar. Simply move the floor-mounted stick to “drive,” and go.

Anyway I couldn’t find Fat Charlie. I think he was hiding out,scared by the prospect of dealing with choice. Too bad. He would’ve hada good time in the Porsche 911 Carrera Cabriolet/Tiptronic S. But Iguess he’s more comfortable with life in the undecided column.

Background: Sports car purists insist that there’s no such thingas a sports car with an automatic transmission. They won’t go near sucha car. Unfortunately for automakers, there aren’t many purists in theauto market. But the majority of car buyers prefer automatics.Those buyers are where the money is. Porsche wants that money — thus,the compromise Tiptronic S, now-it’s-an-automatic, now-it-isn’ttransmission.

Of course, Porsche knows that the finicky purists are the peoplewho help create the special aura around its cars — in much the same waythat the high-toned clientele of New York’s Mulholland Drive Cafeattracts lots of wannabe celebrities (some of whom park their Porschecars conspicuously close to the restaurant’s entrance). So, for itspurists, Porsche offers the 911 Carrera Coupe (two-door hardtop) and theCabriolet (two-door convertible) models with six-speed manualtransmissions.

For folks who must drive their Porsche 911 Carrera insnowstorms, there are also four-wheel-drive versions of the car.

The Porsche 911 Carrera comes with a whippet of an engine — a3.6-liter, horizontally opposed (think of a cylinder bank shaped like abox), six-cylinder, air-cooled engine rated 270 horsepower at 6,100 rpm.Torque is set at 243 pound-feet at 5,000 rpm.

Dual front air bags are standard, as are power four-wheel discbrakes with anti-lock ba ckup.

Complaints: Porsche and all other German automakers need toadmit that they don’t know a thing about air conditioning. And once theyadmit that, they need to run straight to General Motors Corp. and buy anair conditioning system that is simple, efficient and easy to operate.The Porsche system, even with its improvements, has too many buttons,dials and sliding levers.

Praise: The tested 911 Carrera was a convertible, which means Ididn’t need the air conditioner anyway. And when it comes to sports-cardriving, well, heck, nothing beats the Porsche 911, with or without amanual transmission.

Oh, and that power convertible top was tops. Down at the push ofa center-console button. Up and locked at the push of the same button.The way a convertible top ought to operate.

Head-turning quotient: Oh, just fall down on your belly andwrithe with envy. This car is to jealousy what Congress is to hot air.

Ride, acceleration and handling: Triple aces. Zero to 60 mph in 5.4seconds. A totally zoomie thing. But it can stop on a dime. Braking wasexcellent.

Mileage: Kind of a pleasant surprise. About 21 miles per gallon(19.4-gallon tank, an estimated 387-mile range on usable volume ofrecommended premium unleaded), running mostly highway with one to twooccupants.

Sound system: Six-speaker AM/FM stereo radio with optionalcompact disc. Installed by Porsche. Excellent.

Price: Hmph. Base price on the tested 1995, rear-wheel-drive Porsche911 Carrera Cabriolet/Tiptronic is $72,865. Dealer invoice on base modelis $62,865. Price as tested is $82,241, including an estimated $3,987 inrip-off federal “luxury taxes,” $4,644 in options and a $745 destinationcharge.

Purse-strings note: Oh, shush. Somebody’s gotta do this job.