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“COTILLION WHITE” exterior with padded vinyl roof. Red interior withtufted-leather pillow seats. Long, wide, massive body.

It looks like a Family car. That’s Family as in organized crime,Nightwalker Enterprises, that sort of thing.

It’s the 1987 Cadillac Brougham d’Elegance — “the longest,tallest, heaviest production car built in America,” as General Motorsboasts.

It’s embarrassing.

In any color or trim, the Cadillac Brougham has little redeemingsocial value. It’s ridiculously overweight at 4,045.3 pounds, a fullhalf-ton more than today’s average new-car weight of about 3,050 pounds.It is hoggish in length, stretching 18.4 feet. It’s a prime candidatefor OPEC Car of the Year, thanks to its prodigious consumption of fuel.

I might’ve sung the Brougham’s praises in another era. But the Age ofAutomotive Baroque has passed. Cadillac knows that. Witness its elegantnew Allante and its excellently redesigned, front-wheel-drive Eldorado,Seville, and De Ville passenger cars.

The Brougham, by comparison, is a garish holdover. Even the shadyfolks are abandoning its ranks. In emulation of what proper society nowdeems fashionable, crooks of all stripes are piling into BMW,Mercedes-Benz and Jaguar cars. Shady setters may not have scruples, buta lot of them do have some taste.

Complaint: The overwhelming nonsense of it all. Does it make sense toput econocar-quality vinyl, acres of it, in a “luxury” car sportingleather seats? Does it make sense to put fake woodgrain here, there andeverywhere in a car that’s marketed as “the classic spirit of Cadillac”?And why, oh why is there a need for all of the exterior chrome and theinterior chrome-painted brightwork?

Technology? Who’s kidding whom? Even mid-level GM cars have more andbetter technology than the Brougham’s. Simple things like dual electricmirrors operated by one power control — instead of the two powercontrol levers located a foot apart in the test car.

Ah, and this rear-wheel-drive dinosaur comes with a 5-liter,4-barrel, carbureted, V8 engine that produces a grand total of 140horsepower at 3,200 rpm. That’s technology? There are any number ofsmaller cars, equipped with fuel-injected, and turbocharged ormulti-valved engines, that can do better.

Praise: This gargantuan ode to gaucherie is put together well. Asunbelievable as it might seem, there is hardly a rattle amongst all ofthat chrome, plastic and leather. Also, all of the body panels –except the vinyl-covered roof, of course — are made of steelgalvanized on both sides. That should do away with the need for dealer”rustproofing.”

For those who are inclined to treat a luxury car in this manner, theBrougham can be equipped to pull a 2 1/2-ton trailer.

Head-turning quotient: Yeccch!

Acceleration, ride and handling: Acceleration is okay. Thepillow-soft ride is a cure for insomnia. Handling? Ha!

Sound system: Now, this is disappointing. GM has some of the bestfa ctory sound systems on the road. The company’s Delco Electronicspeople do a bang-up job on stereos. But, somehow, the test model’s unitis incurably monaural.

Mileage: About 16 to the gallon (20.7-gallon tank), combinedcity-highway, running driver-only most of the time. Lots of potentialriders begged off on this one. Nearly all mentioned concern for theirreputations.

Price as tested: Whoa! $29,405. For this? Price includes $6,268 inoptions and a $500 destination charge. (Manufacturers suggested retailprice for the base-model Cadillac Brougham is $22,637, with a dealerinvoice price of $18,335.97. The dealer invoice price on the model astested is $23,913.05.)